God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
well you can't waste a boner
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm just crazy horny about you
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
