You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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