...so i touched it.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
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If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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