My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
