Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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