OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
