Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
