so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
