If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
