btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
