Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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