well I can't set my house on fire every night
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
