If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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