Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
