i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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