I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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