Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
