Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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