Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
