i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
