My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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