I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
