theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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