On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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