you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
