I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
