capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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