worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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