We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
