Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
