How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
