if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
