do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
