a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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