Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
