oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
