One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
