his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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