I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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