i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
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I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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