i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
