I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
