i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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