Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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