Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
