Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
