just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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