Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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