My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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