My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's no shave November. This is our time.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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