3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
