Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
