guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I could fuck to npr.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
