my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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