Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
