im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
