You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
