you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
