I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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