i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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